Anger Control
Men don’t rise to the occasion; they fall to the level of their discipline
In the heat of the moment, my mind goes blank. Whether it’s a spotlight on stage, the red light on the camera, or a confrontation during some street protest, in-my-face confrontation severs the line between my brain and my mouth, and I’m essentially lobotomized.
It’s not fear, exactly, although that’s there. It’s more like exposure. It’s a harsh light on my shortcomings. It’s especially true when loved ones criticize us or cause us harm - our closeness to them implies that they know us better, and therefore see the “real” person within us better. And if we don’t like ourselves, we react, and the results aren’t great.
In the last several years, I reacted with anger. I was starting to have some realizations, and you better believe I believed my anger was righteous.
I saw Top Gun: Maverick last night, so I have aerial analogies on my mind. In one scene, a fighter jet sucks some birds into its intake and stalls out. It and the pilots plummet to the ground, and they worked the problem the best they could, but it looked hopeless.
The end of my business was like that, except it wasn’t just bird strike: It was SAMs, solar flares, tornadoes, cheap contractors and, inconveniently, the pilot (me) had reached the end of his ability to fake-it-until-you make it. Oh yeah, and my Weapons System Operator chose that moment to accuse me of stealing his lunch from his locker five freaking years ago…
Popular thinking on crisis moments like this has the underdog rising to the occasion and coming up with some Hail Mary, you’re-not-gonna-believe-this solution that saves the day. In reality, though, the person who’s made a habit of bitching about all the reasons why he didn’t have a chance is going to do the same thing all the way down.
That was me.
This quote is attributed to a Navy Seal:
“Under pressure, you don’t rise to the occasion, you sink to the level of your training. That’s why we train so hard.”
I’ve heard it in many other contexts. It was one of those incandescent “Aha!” thoughts for me when I first heard it. Kind of like the countermeasure flares on an F-18: bright, loud, and utterly distracting. (I mentioned that I saw Top Gun last night, right?) It was so powerful because it so completely explained the confrontational lobotomy problem, and eventually, the anger problem.
There are a few tactics that will help a guy with “anger issues” in the moment, but more often than not, in my opinion, they don’t work. Especially if you’re blind-sided, like when you’re having a laugh with a loved one, and then you hear a wet “thwok!,” and you look down to see the hilt of a knife protruding from your heart. You’re not exactly going to be reciting the three-point mantra of anger management. More than likely, you’re going to recite the two-word phrase that starts with “F” and ends with “you.”
The obvious problem with that reaction is that it’s not going to fix the immediate problem of getting the knife out of your heart, nor will it retroactively prevent it getting there in the first place.
The solution starts long before The Moment. It’s about building a character or series of habits that carry you through the Moment more or less on autopilot. (Not actually a Top Gun reference there…) Or, rather than being on “autopilot,” it gives you the margin to think, assess, and choose better words, even if you’re angry.
The key word here is “building.” There’s no way to shortcut your way there. There is no “one weird trick.” Even learning how to simply say, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” and walking away takes practice. The enormous amount of energy to avoid the bait is NOT a natural thing. It’s a learned thing. It’s about planning ahead so you can move your Titanic away from the iceberg despite your wee little rudder.
Nothing I’m saying here is new, of course. I think we all know this one way or another, but it is so easy - especially, I think, for people raised with these principles from a young age - to assume they’ve got it when they have virtually never had to put it into practice. And then we decisively ignore it. And then react.
You can have the best father, a saintly mother, and a vast community of wise mentors around you your entire life, but knowing it isn’t the same as practicing it.
It sucks, I know.
So how do you build this foundational, bullet-proof character? Well, here's what has worked for me (your mileage may vary). Start practicing these TODAY.
Slow down. Take a deep breath. Not just in angry moments, but in every moment. Even in the midst of peace, be intentional about your thoughts, words and actions. It’s especially true in the angry moments, but this is a practice well worth, well, practicing.
Meditate on this: you don’t have to respond. I just heard some great advice lately: Not every situation requires a response. This is revolutionary! You don’t have to respond. You might feel compelled to, but…why? Is it going to help the situation?
Name the thing. This is as close to “one weird trick” as I’ll come. I stumbled across it in my struggle with depression. I just asked, “Why am I depressed?” And then I kept asking “why?” It went all the way down to the bottom where I realized, “Hey, this is a really stupid reason to be depressed.” (Then I called myself an idiot and probably became depressed again for being such a stupid person. But that’s another story…) It works the same way for anger. “Why am I mad?” Be honest. Maybe even be brutal with yourself. But NAME IT. You might find that your anger is wildly overblown.
Stop dwelling on the pain. You know that highlight reel playing in your head all the time? The one featuring all of the injustices, real or imagined (mostly imagined) you’ve “suffered” all your life, or because of the malice of someone in your circle? Shut it down. Immediately. This is the propaganda of Hell.
This one takes some practice. If you’ve indulged in this for any length of time, it has worn grooves in your neural network that, without a lot of actual grace, doesn’t just go away. They’re like wagon ruts in Nebraska clay or the cobblestones of the Appian Way. If it’s a well-traveled road, you’re going to have to rip it out and pave something new. Start today.
Forgive. And then forgive again. Easier said than done, no doubt. But I have first-hand experience of the power of forgiveness. It’s an on-demand, practical, repeatable, and demonstrable proof of grace and God. I’ve seen an actual miracle or two in my life, but nothing has shown me what may exist Beyond better than forgiving someone who doesn’t feel the need to be forgiven, and who in all likelihood will offend again - and soon.
I forgave someone recently who I’d been battling with for a long time. I was still mad - and I’d been praying for release from my rage - but the prayer didn’t “work” until I forgave. At that moment, the overloaded pack on my back fell away, and carrying no burdens, I was more equipped that I was before.
I was on a morning prayer walk, and twenty paces later, the entire tsunami of resentment was back, but I forgave again, and was restored. That day, “I forgive” became my only prayer.
Speaking of which, go for walks. One mile per day, minimum. Think (don’t rant and resent). Pray. Or, just enjoy the outside air (if you’re fortunate to live somewhere outside of the pre-apocalyptic hellscape of a city), and enjoy the morning sun on your skin. Honestly, I could have probably shortened this piece to four words: Go for a walk.
Two more things that may not resonate with everybody. Definitely won’t, actually, but hey, Rule of Steves and all that (5th paragraph from the bottom). I’m an Orthodox Christian, so this is the context that all of this stuff comes from.
Choose the Good. By “the Good,” I mean what is true, good, and beautiful, and I only now that as “What comes from, or is of God.” If your faith is weak, shattered or non-existent, that’s fine. Faith isn’t a feeling, although the “consolations of faith” are nice when they come. It’s for another post, but I struggled for decades looking for that mercurial feeling of faith. When I finally realized that faith was a choice (yes, also a gift, but we’re not going there right now), and that I had to constantly throw this flesh unit into faithful action, it’s amazing how much more often the feeeeeelings lit up.
But if that’s not doing it for you, consider this: choosing the Good means virtue. It means extending kindness to others. Caring about others - even our adversaries. It means practicing patience, temperance, purity. Honestly, I learned at least as much from Stoicism on this than anything else, but the very practical philosophy of Stoicism was enlivened by also reading Proverbs frequently. Forget dogma for now - just choose the good.
Pray the Jesus Prayer. “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, the sinner.” I read a quote recently about praying for repentance first. It’s the prerequisite for all other “fixes.” Primarily, I believe, because 99% of our problems come from pride, and asking for repentance fundamentally requires humility. The prayer is ancient, simple, and said with focus and intention, the most powerful (and “portable”) prayer I know. The wonderful Frederica Mathewes-Green literally wrote the book on it, which I highly recommend. (There’s some buzz about how non-Orthodox shouldn’t pray it, but I’m going to go ahead and ask for forgiveness on this one, rather than permission - it’s so good that I believe everyone should pray it.)
Alright, them’s my thoughts. Now I should go back and cut about 800 words. I could easily keep going, but like I said, these are the things that worked for me and continue to do so. I’m still a juvenile punk in so many ways, even after these 48 years, but hey, vivere est militare. You gotta start somewhere.
Thoughts? Questions? Rants? Leave a comment or DM me on Twitter.
Anger Management
Really enjoyed this, Chris. Well needed as of late for me too. Miss having you around and being able to talk to you.