Be bold and check on your buddies
I wrote most of the post below on Facebook a few weeks ago. It seemed to strike a chord, particularly with my friend Andrew who, despite my best efforts, wouldn’t let me just crash after my work shift last night. Doesn’t matter that I work a late shift, or that I spend my whole day talking on the phone and solving other people’s banking problems. Andrew just had to push.
May God bless him for it, because it’s exactly what we men need to do.
We talked until 2:00 AM about everything from The Situation I’m in, to faith, to fear vs. cowardice, to movies. Honestly, it was medicine I didn’t even know I needed. I’m not a talker. I hate talking on the phone. But this possibly far-too-educated brother grabbed me by the front of the shirt with both fists and said, “I’ve got your back.”
Damn, it was good. Thanks, buddy.
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The Post:
Men: be bold and check on your brothers
Life has been hell in many ways over the last decade or so, but one that kept me going was help from my brothers - whether by blood or belief. (Looking back on it, I can see how easily a lot of the suffering might have been avoided, but that's another story.) I'm talking about the kind of help that came in the form of irritating, usually public probing beyond self-deprecating avoidance shields one puts up.
"How's it going?"
"Great! You?"
"No, really, how's it going? How can I pray for you?"
Disarmed. Someone cared.
That's how it works. I see it mostly on the Evangelical side - those guys are IN YOUR FACE about caring. We Catholics and Orthodox tend to respect people's struggles from afar and wish each other grace and endurance in their God-given struggles. I respect that. But I - and so many other guys I've run into over the years - NEED a brother to put a breaching charge on the doors of stoic resistance and, well, rescue the hostage, (if that's not taking the metaphor too far.)
We men tend to try to bravely face adversity alone - and it's killing us. Literally, in so many cases. My friend Kevin suffered silently until it was just too much, and a few years ago, he took a drive up into the woods and "checked out." A cousin bore his struggles with a smile until one day he broke everyone's hearts.
I'm definitely NOT saying we need to blubber to each other, or have naked firepit cry sessions. (Should be obvious, but hey, legal disclaimer...) I'm just saying that chances are if you know a buddy is going through some *stuff*, you're likely only seeing the tip of the iceberg. REACH OUT. Get past the BS.
The other day at church I got some particularly bad news. (This was the beginning of The Situation). I had to literally walk it off, and I headed out of the church hall intending to take a few laps around the church itself, when a newish buddy ran out and said, "Hey Chris - did you get that link to those graphics I mentioned?"
I did NOT want to talk about stupid freaking graphics files, but I tried to, anyway. I made small, evasive talk about the files until I couldn't do it anymore, and I shared the news with him. He obviously hadn't followed me outside to talk about graphics, either. This guy, who's probably a good 15 years younger than me, at least, reached into my chest, grabbed my heart, squeezed, and said, "I know what you're going through."
And he did. His family recently got a VIP tour through a different county in Hell, and evidently they're extending their trip. He got it - and this words of wisdom in that moment were a lot like the safety lecture you might get before bungee jumping or sky diving. There I was, at the point of no return, and he was there with the good stuff at precisely the right moment.
I'm not saying we should always be in each other's faces. And if you don't have anything good to say, don't blow it with a bunch of platitudinal garbage. But if you feel called to *do something* when a brother is going through it, do it. Neither of you will regret it.
Thank God for my brothers. Not just for saving my butt so many times, but because they've helped me to pass it forward. Life is good because of them.
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Thoughts? Comments? Let’s hear ‘em below. You can also connect with me on Twitter. (It’s not such a bad place when you train the algorithms right…)