Build your own brotherhood

You can't do it alone

Have you seen David Goggins’ book, “Can’t Hurt Me?” I first heard of him when I read Jesse Itzler’s “Living with a SEAL: 31 Days Training with the Toughest Man on the Planet.” Goggins was that Navy S.E.A.L. His story is incredible. Provocative. I can highly recommend Itzler’s book.

I haven’t read Goggins’ book yet, so I can’t recommend it. Why? Honestly, the title turned me off. “Can’t hurt me” sounds like nothing that would come out of the mouth of “the toughest man on the planet.” It just sounds…wimpy. And there was something else about his credo and rules that turned me off, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. I realize now that it was the radical individualism (at least as far as I could tell from interviews and quotes). It was…lonely.

That’s the thing about the fight we’re in - we’re not going to see anything like victory if we’re fighting solely as individuals. 

The Fight

You can feel it in the air, can’t you? There’s a vibe out there. War is coming. People on all sides know that we can’t keep going on like this. We’re long past hearing each other. For the most part, we don’t even have shared categories we can collaborate within. Even our language is constantly changing, which further alienates “the other.” It seems that more and more people would welcome actual war.

Here’s the thing, though: we’re already in it. We were born into it, just as every other person who has ever lived was born on the battlefield or, as seems to be the case in our time, a prison camp. The war is against ourselves, but also, if you believe as I do, we’re also at war against malevolent intelligences who would destroy God if they could, but will settle for destroying you if they can. 

Most people will do anything to avoid conflict. Literally anything - including being model prisoners who work diligently to conform to their jailers’ ideology. Even those of us inclined to enlist in this fight have to spend an extraordinary amount of time resisting the comforts of the world: millions of hours of streaming entertainment, dopamine hits from social media likes, restaurants catering to every possible taste, sports, hobbies, sex…

Get enough of it and you forget that you are in a fight for your soul, and there is no doubt that you’re going to die. The question is, “Are you going to die honorably in the service of a great Cause, or are you going to die when your body and soul simply give out after a lifetime of indulgence?” Do you go down with honor, or do you expire in front of your TV, one hand in a Pringles can and the other holding a beer bottle on your gut?

If this seems a bit overheated, fine. I’m not speaking to you. I’m writing to the men (primarily) who know there’s something deeply wrong with, well, everything. I grew up hearing it, even saying it, but I never fully appreciated it. Life is a battle. It’s not a metaphor, it’s not just a saying. This. Is. Real.

And if it’s real, we have no choice but to fight it.

Battle Buddies 

I have a warrior neighbor. He’s a two-time Purple Heart recipient who tells me he’d been “blown up” three times in Iraq. His shoulders are about three feet across and his biceps are about as big as my thighs. When I take my morning prayer walk, coffee in one hand, prayer rope in the other, I see him training other men in his garage-turned-gym. (My Situation makes it currently impossible to join them.)

He speaks Evangelical, I speak Orthodox, but we call each other “brother.” Because we’ve both done stupid stuff in our past, and we’re committed to not just avoiding future stupid stuff, but complete victory, we know that discipline and constant watchfulness are essential. For him, that’s primarily through physical training and church on Sundays. For me it’s constant (albeit often weak) prayer and PT “as often as I can.” We sort of complement each other in this way, and help each other in our weak areas. (He would likely say he has no weak areas. Lol.) 

I was coming back from my prayer walk one day, and he and his current trainee dropped their weights and came over to chat. He knew I was about to begin dealing with The Situation. The trainee (a buddy from his church), said, “Let’s pray.” And so we did. Right there in the middle of the cul de sac. Three guys in a close little prayer circle, arms across each other’s shoulders, our foreheads almost touching, and we prayed for strength to endure, to persevere, to be the men our Father has called us to be, and that our families need.

(I imagine that my neighbor Kevin observed this impromptu prayer circle through his living room window, hands on hips, shaking his head. “Hon, there’s something gay going on in the street.”)

I spent a horrific amount of time in my life battling “fundamentalists” of various kinds. But in that moment I felt like I was part of a brotherhood. It didn’t - and still doesn’t - matter to me that we won’t agree on a lot of important pieces of doctrine. We knew we were fighting the same battles. We all had our scars and expected more.

Build Your Own Brotherhood

This tiny community-of-three is just one of the many assemblies of men I’ve had the privilege to be a part of. I’ve even started a couple. In my opinion - which is definitely correct and should be your opinion, too, - when virtuous men intentionally gather to build each other up, they become unstoppable. Knowing that you have each other’s backs, and that no matter what else happens, brothers are there for you, there is literally nothing you can’t endure or, better yet, conquer.

One thing, though: Just getting together to have some beers doesn’t cut it. Don’t get me wrong - I love downtime with the “beers and bros,” but it doesn’t compare to the in-your-face accountability of men who demand you become the man you’re called to be. It might be shocking at first - some guy you barely know putting a finger in your chest and telling you you need to cut the crap. Or even more disarming - when a guy puts his hand on your shoulder and forces you to drop the act and tell him what’s really going on. 

That’ll level you right up.

If you don’t have a group of brothers at your church, start one. If you don’t go to a church, I highly recommend starting one anyway. (Recommended discussion for irreligious groups: Anything by Ryan Holiday). 

Aren’t you getting tired of struggling alone? Facebook groups and Twitter followers are nothing like the “IRL” group of brothers who will keep you in-inline and sane. If you need some ideas about how to start one and what to “do,” let me know. I have a few battle-tested ideas.

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Thank you for the gift of your time and attention. Feedback is welcome - pro/con/confused/whatever. Drop a comment below or DM me on Twitter.