The worst advice I ever heard regarding marriage came from a priest who had been on the job for about a year. I think I was older than him by at least five years, but hey, he wore the robes, so he must know what he’s talking about, right?
His advice to guys discerning marriage was, “Find a virtuous woman and spend the rest of your life trying to make her happy.”
That sounded a lot more theological than the secular version: “Happy wife, happy life.” It appeals because it’s a high noble calling—it gives men Meaning and Purpose. It framed a life mission without choking the life out of it in the weeds of details.
It might also be lethal.
In his book, “Wild at Heart,” John Eldredge writes:
“Deep in his heart every man longs for a battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue.”
I believe this to be absolutely true, but I also think many men get confused about something when they’re trying to figure out what to do with their chivalric impulses: They make the beauty the battle to fight. He makes her the center of his world.
Bad move.
The result in so, so many marriages is catastrophic. It makes her happiness or approval the primary metric of success. Even if she’s a naturally happy and stable person, she’s still going to have “off” days. What’s that do to your metric? What if she’s psychotic, or dealing with a toxic stew of unresolved daddy issues? Are you a failure when you can’t make her happy?
That’s complicated enough, but what if you’re an incomplete person yourself? What if you’re among the third or fourth generation of fatherless men left trying to figure things out on your own?
The movement to recapture authentic masculinity often puts serving one’s wife and children at the very core of all self-improvement efforts. This is noble, as far as it goes, but it’s extremely dangerous. It can lead to a nightmare when, in the face of apparent failure, they double or triple-down on their perceived duty to make her happy.
She’s not happy—I must be failing. I have to TRY HARDER.
These guys, especially Christian men, they think they need to sacrifice more, attend to her needs more, and “die to self” more. If these things work, then he’s proven that he’s a good servant. If he fails, he might come across as needy or clueless—two qualities that are among the most unattractive in a man. The hellish thing is that he’s living out his calling too the best of his understanding or ability. However, after X number years, the result is distance, loneliness, and lack of connection.
So, one way or another, she leaves. The men left in the smoking crater of their good intentions watch their whole reason for fighting—maybe even existing—walk out the door, usually with the kids and a court order to support her as she “finds herself” in her new life. It’s especially bitter when these guys live in massively reduced circumstances and other men raise their children.
I reached out to a buddy regarding a post he’d written recently. He’s going through it right now. He said I could share his response:
I appreciate you reaching out. Like - I’m ok. I kind of am. I mean, I’m not; but I’m getting through today. (I’m not going to hurt myself or anything like that. I’m just blue).
This whole ordeal is similar to when my mom had dementia. It’s a long slow good bye. I don’t hate my wife… I mean I love her and I hate her. I hate feeling tossed aside and discarded for shiny new toys. (I’m not even talking about guys… just a whole new friend group). I’m barely her friend…
And yet, there are times like on Friday when we went to lunch, and spent two hours, laughing and drinking wine. And I miss that. It felt… normal. And I get confused by that too because in my mind there is a 0.0005% chance that she’ll come to her senses. That she’ll realize that the family shouldn’t be torn apart and that she’ll appreciate that I’ve been loyal and loving and dedicated. That she should think about the kids. So these moments where we hang out or grab a drink… it’s us hanging out like we’re married and not like we’re not or not like I’m chasing her. It’s just normal.
But of course nothing is normal anymore.
I don’t know this guy well, but he’s doing much better than a lot of men in that situation. He’s looking forward to picking up some interests that he’d abandoned during his marriage.
Other guys? I’ve met other guys who have dropped off the grid. Their entire identity was wrapped up in being Husband and Father, and when those identities were taken away, they became Nothing…or Failure. Some of these guys don’t make it. I see a post about once every week asking about the status of so-and-so in the various divorce forums I keep an eye on. Most of the time nobody knows what happened to these Discarded Men.
Maybe these guys have just moved on and accepted their unexpected new lives. Most probably do, but according to whichever sources you can find about this over the last twenty years, men are eight-to-ten times more likely to kill themselves after divorce than women, and that rate is increasing.
Despite what everyone “knows” about divorce ending about “half” of all marriages, it’s not quite that high. It’s probably more like 33 percent. Christian or “faith-based” marriages do marginally better, but it’s still an appalling risk to take. (A common question in the “red pill” or “MGTOW*” world is, “Would you enter a contract where half the time the one who violates it is rewarded?) For the men who tied their whole identity to being a husband and a father, it’s a lethal risk.
So, with all due respect to Fr. X who offered that advice to young men discerning marriage, “Find a virtuous woman and spend the rest of your life trying to make her happy,” I’d say, “Stick to theology, padre.”
Does it sound like I’m making an anti-marriage argument? I’m not. I believe that men and women are made for each other. Our complementarity means we do need each other, especially when we live in a culture designed to do everything it can to tear families apart. Personally, I believe we need to drop all the pop-psychology and return to a more “tribal” existence where men and women toil together in community and fight the wolves and barbarians outside the walls together. (I’m getting pretty radical about that, actually. Burn it all to the ground and rebuild the village.)
However, I would argue this: men need to have a mission and purpose in life distinct from their wives’ happiness or approval. If you’re trying to score on that moving goal post, good luck. You might as well try to draw a square circle.
Guys, she isn’t the One Thing. Is she your queen, your warrior, your warrior-queen? Has she always been faithful, loyal and encouraging? Has she picked you up when you’ve fallen? Does she forgive all of your shortcomings and mistakes, even the catastrophic ones? Then here’s a big, virtual fist bump for you, brother. That’s awesome! You’re a blessed man. Enjoy her company for as long as you’re able.
But keep this in mind: she’s still not your mission or purpose in life. If she’s the center of your world, you’re in grave danger. Get focused.
*MGTOW: “Men Going Their Own Way”
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As a celibate priest I know I have little to offer when it comes to the daily grind of marriage and family and I don’t pretend to. I’m not going to risk it. People’s lives are at stake. It would be like farmer advising a surgeon (not a great analogy but you get what I mean). It’s really vitally important to know what you don’t know, and never pretend to know what you don’t know. It will always bite you in the backside. Not to mention you will have to answer to God for your pride, arrogance, and the damage you do.
Okay. I’ll shut up now. 😇