The other day I told a buddy that I think we need to take everything we were taught about marriage and run it through the wood chipper. He agreed and added, “As long as we can douse it in jet fuel and light it first.”
You might say he’s going through some tough times, too.
It’s everywhere. I mean everywhere. Honestly, I wish I didn’t know so much about people’s marriage and struggles - if not for this literally God-given strength, endurance, optimism and positive freakin’ vibes, it would be utterly demoralizing. I’d write off the institution as a huge con.
It appears that most of the secular western world has already written it off. You know the statistics - half or more of marriages end in divorce, and subsequent marriages have radically higher failure rates. Most children are born out of wedlock. Open marriages, affairs, or experimental multi-partner “throuples” are everywhere.
I’m part of a few dads’ and mens’ groups online. Most of them are faith-neutral. I joined one of them when it was at about 40k members. Less than a month later it was at 51k. This group had been around for years, but suddenly it was flooded with fathers and husbands in some relationship crisis or another. Most are newly separated, divorced, or are about to be.
Of the most vocal among them, maybe half actually got married. From a traditional point of view, it’s no mystery why they’re running into trouble now - their relationships began with random hook-ups and/or surprise and unwanted pregnancies. Many of them compounded dumb decisions with shacking up or getting “a piece of paper” down at the courthouse.
Roughly 90 percent of the posts on one forum (which is theoretically for fathers about how to be better fathers, by the way) start with some variation of, “I’m shell-shocked. My wife of five years told me she didn’t love me anymore and filed for divorce. She left me with our one child and already has a new boyfriend.”
It’s not much better in the Christian world, even in my sort of hyper-tribal tradition. Protestants seem to have pretty much gone the way of the world on marriage long ago (you might even argue that Protestantism is a result of embracing the world’s view of marriage). Catholics have “annulments,” which seem easier to obtain than entrance into Arizona State. The Orthodox? I see the suffering everywhere.
Here’s what threatens to “radicalize” me on the topic: the vast majority of the men I know are good, solid, and well-intentioned. They’re not just trying to hold it together with some scraps of chivalric duty they read about - they’re actively engaged in living the good, true, and beautiful. Even the guys who came from a solid home with a present father. They’re abundant providers, and they’re intentional about giving time to their wives and children. Most of them seem to give completely of themselves while taking volley after volley of arrows from the world - and from their own families. In my world, the men I know take seriously the idea that we must “die to ourselves,” or, in the east, the “mutual martyrdom” of marriage.
And yet… And yet, so many seem to be hanging on by a thread because it’s just never enough. Too many Christian wives are well aware of what an ideal Christian husband is, and you better believe they compare the man to the ideal on a second-by-second basis. Not every Christian wife is like this, of course, but I can’t avoid strolling onto that battlefield because, from what I’ve seen, this attitude is ubiquitous.
Of course there are plenty of examples of men who deserve every bit of criticism they receive. Even if they’re hard workers, they’re basically worthless in the home. They waste their God-given duty to be “crafters” in the household with video games, booze, or worse. In the bedroom? “I’m the man, woman. Submit.” It’s enough to make a man ashamed of his gender.
So what do we do?
Well, for me, it’s fairly simple because it just has to be. I’m not a huge fan of living “ideologically.” It starts with getting our thoughts in order. Men and women. Shove negative, resentful thoughts right out the airlock. While we’re at it, shove modern marital ideology in there, too. You know, things like, “love languages,” “attachment” theory, and maybe anything espoused (pun intended - intend your puns) by anyone with a certification after their names.
Then, live virtuously. Be humble, charitable, chaste, grateful, temperate, patient, and diligent.
Maybe this is anti-intellectual. There’s a great chance I’m completely wrong about this. Maybe there’s something to the idea that we’ve come a long way, baby, and modern psychology has more to offer than I think. The only reason I don’t see it is that I’ve never seen it. Living virtuously, however, has never steered me wrong.
I’m roughly halfway through a lifelong study on the topic, so, if possible, I’ll share my findings at the conclusion.
Here’s the thing: it does take a village, but we don’t have a village. We’re a loose assemblage of like-minded people who gather mostly on Sundays for a couple of hours. One major thing that attracted me to Orthodoxy is that the village meets, prays, works, grieves and builds together far more than once a week. But even then the village is too diffused. We’re all divided and therefore in the process of being conquered.
I hadn’t really intended to go here, but it’s a compelling idea that I need to release like a helium balloon into my subconscious: Marriage is hard because married people are trying to do it solo. Just as wives are trying to take on a number duties that have historically been shared by, and could only be successfully managed with, multiple generations living in the same home or village, men are trying to raise barns, harvest crops, and fight off marauders solo. With all of these burdens on us individually, is it any wonder that we get snippy with each other as a couple?
(I just read a post by a marriage counselor who said that the divorce rate increases as a husband approaches equal levels of housework - and 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women. Hmm…)
So, you say, “That’s great, Substack guy, but are you saying we should go live on a commune somewhere?”
Haha. But, yes, actually.
But I realize that’s not currently possible for most of us. However we need to be thinking about it. We need to be thinking about more than surviving the next birthday or holiday season, the next recession, the next election…
We need to apply ourselves to undoing “generational curses” by creating life-giving communities - communities that teach life, reinforce it with examples of wise and holy men and women, and act as a safety net when its members are in danger of falling. It’s fine to say that virtue solves all ills, but I’m telling you, it’s a rare person that can do it alone. Most of us can’t, and the western world is a living (or dying) example of what happens when we try.
I just experienced the power of community saving my own marriage. It’s still early, and who knows: it may just be a temporary reprieve, but our tribe helped to give us the space to regroup, retreat and heal. They gave me a place to stay, gave us help with counseling, and even helped with temporary transportation because we’re currently back to being a one-car family. These among many other things.
More than that, however, they were there for us. They gave generously of their time, friendship, and prayers. Not just in our small little church community on the Oklahoma prairie, but among our friends across the country.
I imagine there’s some Heavenly dashboard spiking with our name as a keyword. “Uh, sir, we’re getting a huge number of prayers for this one couple…”
I don’t know what we would have done if we’d had to do it alone.
Actually, I do. We would have been destroyed.
Thanks again for reading. I sincerely appreciate it. If you think this project has value for others, please like and/or share. If you’d like to reach out privately, I can be reached at cjolma AT gmail DOT com.
I haven't commented on any of your posts yet, but I have been reading your posts since you've started the Substack and have found the content worthwhile. Keep up the good work! This observation resonated with me and I think you should stroll onto this battlefield:
"Too many Christian wives are well aware of what an ideal Christian husband is, and you better believe they compare the man to the ideal on a second-by-second basis. Not every Christian wife is like this, of course, but I can’t avoid strolling onto that battlefield because, from what I’ve seen, this attitude is ubiquitous."
I am not married, but experienced this in years of dating conservative, Catholic women. They had their ideal and if I fell short of that in any way, they rejected me. Many of them are now in their mid to late 30s, still single, and wondering why God hasn't given them the perfect man yet. I also lived in the DMV and didn't have the right credentials to enhance their status; so many of them are consumed by status.
So I did what any frustrated guy would do in this situation, joined the seminary! Well, that has been a pretty miserable experience so far.
We will see what God has in store for me next.
Thanks man! I appreciate it.
That point seems to have touched a nerve. About five minutes after publishing, a buddy texted me about 10k words on the subject. He’s not alone. Neither are you.