My Life as a Sampler Platter

Making leather death bags, publishing audiobooks, and reflecting on absurd levels of masculinity.

What better way to start a “grab bag” post than with a bag?

My son Kolbe and I worked on it for a week. It didn’t take that long from start to finish, but you try moving, unpacking, building, and organizing while designing and manufacturing bespoke leather goods. I bet you didn’t think of that, did you?

Not yet sure what I should call the bag. "Memento Mori," probably.

I took this project on for several reasons:

1. It’s expensive out here in the world. I’m sure that it was expensive to run the monastery, too, but God took care of it, I assume. Out here, God expects us to do some of the heavy lifting. Ergo: I’m back into the leather biz.

2. Kolbe needs something to do. A summer job is a possibility, but he’s still young, so that’s probably not realistic. He likes to work with his hands, and this craft keeps them busy.

3. It seemed like a cool idea. Turns out I was right. Do you know how rare it is for my crazy ideas to work out?

What’s with the DEATH theme? Right here at the beginning of a bright and sunny summer? Call me dark, I guess. I’ve always loved the “Death to the World” aesthetic—that odd dichotomy of punk and Orthodoxy that just works. Before I became Orthodox I was playing with Dieselpunk and Latin, which I thought totally worked, but was evidently unmarketable.

Feedback on the bag has been good—much of it has just been startled gasps. Very satisfying.

I need to make some tweaks, but it’s officially for sale. I’m asking $150. If it’s not your kind of thing, please tell the Orthobro, RadTrad, Apostolic-Curious Goth or other high-T friends in your life about it.

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Speaking of masculine stuff, did you catch the BBC article about Orthodoxy and Fr. Moses?

Here’s the link.

“Young US men are joining Russian churches promising ‘absurd levels of masculinity.’

I read the headline three or four times before I realized it was supposed to be a snarky insult.

Who is Fr. Moses McPherson? He’s an Orthodox priest down in Texas who does some great YouTube videos primarily aimed at young men who are trying to figure out life. (That is, of course, in addition to serving Divine Liturgy and offering the Holy Mysteries that save mankind. Obvs.) He might have come to your attention when he uploaded the “Hot/Holy Matrix” video. It infuriated joyless Orthodox and non-Orthodox alike, which is one of the reasons I love the guy.

(I also love that the one place you can still find the video is on a YouTube page called, “Orthodox Feminists of Twitter United.” It appears the YouTube page was created solely to expose Fr. Moses somehow, but everyone loves it.

Also, “Orthodox Feminists” delenda est.)

So, Fr. Moses was getting some traction outside of our tiny little Ortho-world. Attention all the way to ye olde England and the BBC. They sent a couple of women reporters to Texas to find out what’s going on.

I have a friend who goes to his parish. She’s a catechumen, which makes her sort of a rare specimen (men converting to Orthodoxy far outnumber women converting). She tried to warn Fr. Moses not to talk to them because she knew it could, and likely would, go sideways. I can’t speak to why he decided to talk to the BBC reporters, but he no doubt did so because he’s confident and secure in his faith.

My catechumen friend said this about the reporters: “The reporters (both broads bc of course) had that tight-faced forced smile painted on the whole time they were at our church.” I asked if they were uppity and crusty English broads. Answer: yes.

I read the article. As far as hit pieces go, it was weak. My impression: like so much mainstream news, it wasn’t hostile because of some conscious, malevolent hatred, it was biased because the subject was so far beyond the worldview of modern, liberal myopia that it couldn’t begin to comprehend the subject.

Maybe I’m being too charitable. I just think it could have been far worse.

Fr. Moses and others thought it was worse. Here’s his response to it:

1. The BBC article is a caricature of myself, and my parish.

2. No one is attending my parish for “masculinity”. Trust me, if you came and hung out, you’d find a wide variety of men, body types, and interests.

3. Young men are coming because they find the life of sexuality, materialism, and nihilism soul crushing and are looking for healing.

4. We provide healing through relationship with Jesus Christ cultivated by prayer, fasting, services, sacrifice, confession, and community.

5. We really have a strong Church family and people feel genuinely loved, and that they belong.

6. We have a “no politics” policy at the Church, and we are certainly not pushing a “conservative” vs “liberal” narrative.

7. If you want to know what I preach/teach, watch my homilies.

My friend Paul, who runs Maniphesto, had a long conversation with Jonathan Pageau about it:

Here’s why I’m the outlier on this issue: men are joining Orthodoxy because of the masculine vibe. This is undeniable—Fr. Moses, my priest, and many others are launching programs to handle the influx. It’s a good problem to have, but it is stretching things logistically. And yes, they DO come to Orthodoxy, at least initially, because it’s attractive space for men who yearn to be authentic men.

However, they soon find out that Orthodoxy is far more than a place for manly men to be manly—it’s a way of life. But that way of life is one of rigor, discipline, and self-abnegation, i.e. virtues that call their very souls from out of their worldly malaise. They come because they believe Orthodoxy is a place where their nature isn’t just alright, but appreciated. They stay because they discover that holiness is a battle. Eventually, they find authentic Jesus instead of the pastel facsimile they’ve been force-fed their whole lives.

I remember the first time I felt the masculine vibe in the Orthodox world. It was at Holy Transfiguration Melkite Greek-Catholic church in McLean, VA. I brought the family there one day in hopes of switching things up a little bit (read: “to stop fighting about religion for a change.”) I didn’t go there for a show, but let’s just say that the Melkite Divine Liturgy was the whole spiritual and sensory package.

At one point I looked over to the kliros, or the “choir” area to the left. Several men in black—readers, deacons, subdeacons, probably a priest or two—sang in that distinctive Byzantine style that, at that point, I’d never heard. It “hit” as the kids say these days. But the most interesting thing to me was how many of them held their children while they sang. These men, whose attire made it clear that they had committed to a certain way of life, held their children while serving the Lord.

“That’s the most masculine thing I’ve ever seen,” I remember thinking clearly. I believe I shared the thought with my wife. I don’t remember what she said, but it was probably, “Shut up, loser,” or something similar.

(I kid. At the time, she was more blown away than me. Our fighting briefly dipped to a historical low).

During the Melkite years, I was dealing with a lot of stuff—the end of my business, what I would later realize was the death of my marriage, raising young kids, replacing my career before I was too old, etc. In my desperate grasping for direction, or some kind of foundation, I began to devour all the self-improvement literature I could find. I joined men’s groups. I even started one at Holy Transfiguration which, to this day, is still going strong. Above it all, I was trying to answer the question, “How can I be a good MAN?”

I’ve since figured it out. Yeah. It’s pretty simple. Authentic masculinity isn’t about acquiring the right information—it’s about doing the hard things in relation to our duty to provide for, protect, and lead those in our domain. I—probably like most men—got lost in the theory of masculinity because of fears and insecurities related to our awesome (as in huge) responsibilities. We avoid the rigors of our duty because we are, for so many reasons, not confident in our ability to meet the demands of manhood that we are obliged to carry.

Want to be a man? Do your job. It’s that simple. Further explanation usually involves telling guys what they already know.

This realization was tough for me. I’ve failed on every battlefield. Worse—far worse—I blamed other people and other circumstances for far, far too long. However, it was Orthodoxy, which is to say authentic life, that set me straight and gave me the strength to stand up, gather the pieces, and get back into the fight.

Fr. Ambrose, my priest, once gave a homily in which he said, “There is no such thing as ‘Orthodoxy-plus,’” meaning, there are no add-ons to Orthodoxy. One shouldn’t—and can’t—add something to Orthodoxy to improve it. It just is. More to the point: one shouldn’t become Orthodox because that’s what real men do—you will become a real man by living Orthodox. Yes—through that boring, consistent application of ancient tradition and wisdom. Speaking of which, Paul from Maniphesto has a Substack page on exactly that: The Path of Manliness.

My second audiobook

In other news, I’ve published another audiobook. This would be my second. It’s “Lessons from Joshua, Judges, and Ruth (Truth for Youth).”

I joked on Facebook that narrating books by Protestant authors is my punishment for so, so many years of totally uncharitable apologetics. And you know what? I pretty much believe that. I was a total ass to my Protestant adversaries, although many of them became friends later.

How’s the book? Well, I can’t give it a wholehearted endorsement on theological grounds, but for the audience it targets it’s pretty good. I’ll write more on it later.

This one was a challenge for reasons entirely unrelated to the content. When Paul hired me to narrate the book, I was feeling pretty down about how I was doing so many auditions and getting zero responses. I sort of knew that every audition leveled up my performance and editing skills, but that didn’t console me very much. I was using precious morning monastery time to devote to a totally unprofitable project. So, when Paul found me in the midst of that particular existential angst, I was ecstatic: I was going to nail this one. The final due date was way, way in the future, and the book was only about three hours long.

I got sick the next day. It might have been Covid, but whatever it was, it laid me out. I took two days off from work (unheard of!) and oozed on the couch. I watched movies. So many movies. I barely had the strength to shamble to the monastery kitchen and make some soup. By day three I was able to go back to work, but as for recording, it was useless. My voice was phlegmy, hacking, wet, and gross. Every attempt to get some decent audio down was totally pointless.

When I finally recovered enough to get a little bit of audio, I recorded twenty chapters in a week. The deadline now loomed over me. And then the elder kicked me out of the monastery with no notice. I lost several precious more weeks packing, moving, and trying to rebuild a recording studio in a hotel room (total failure on that). I had told Paul, right after he hired me, that the deadline was “very comfortable.” Now I was telling him, “I’m so sorry—personal troubles…”

Lame. Unprofessional.

Obviously it worked out in the end. I was only about a week overdue, and so far I’m getting good feedback (which is why I only ask for feedback from people who will charitably lie to my face. Hah.)

Lesson here? Never delay what you know you need to do today.

Check it out. It’s definitely not Orthodox, nor is it Catholic, but it’s got some good lessons for your teens or even younger.

New structure

I read something from one of the new crop of Substack gurus about publishing here. He said he publishes every day, but he only sends an email on Fridays. I’m going to experiment with that because it solves a few problems for me.

First: I hate sending emails to people. I get so much garbage myself, and I hate adding to the clutter for others. If you want to read my meandering musings, feel free to stop by. I’ll probably highlight things worth reading in the Friday edition.

Second: One reason why publishing volume is so low is that I simply don’t have the time to put out quality long-form work. However, I have things I want to riff on several times per day. There’s this pressure—mostly self-imposed—to publish Hemingway-grade essays at least once per week. I just can’t do it, at least not in current conditions. Now that one of my kids lives with me full-time, I need to spend quality time with him before I go to my day job. I thought fitting creative work time into my monastery schedule was hard. It’s NOTHING compared to living in the world again.

I’m not saying that I intend to put out low-quality “ripped from the headlines” work all week long. No, that will likely be an unintended consequence. Haha. I’m just trying to relieve some pressure here.

Third, I want to remove myself from the center of this publication. “Chris’ Life Lessons” had its place, but it’s long past time to move the locus outward. Covering other things beside *just* my own personal reflections is necessary for me personally and professionally.

I have many more thoughts, but I’ll save them for later. I may not have been publishing much, but you better believe I’ve been thinking a lot. Working, too.

Right now I need to figure out how to keep these kids from climbing the walls while the pool is rained out. Oh yes, and make a bracelet for a customer. Oh, right, and make the final tweaks on that death bag. Hard to do in the midst of a half-moved-in duplex. Speaking of which…

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