Zeroing in on Zion

Facing fears and planning for the New Year

I’ve written and deleted this one several times. Why? Oh, the usual: it was getting ridiculously long and I still hadn’t landed on one, single, coherent point. That, and my brother called me from five states away and said he could smell the merde of the post from all the way over there. “You’re writing some next-level BS, aren’t you?”

“How did you know?!”

I’d intended to write about planning for the new year. One problem: I’ve never planned anything well in my life.

Actually, scratch that: I can plan well. I can even forecast challenges to the best-laid plans pretty well. But executing them? No. At that I am not so good. But laying it all out on a whiteboard? I excel. I mean, look at this. Look at it!

My personal graveyard of good intentions

I think I snapped pics of all of these whiteboard sessions in order to convict myself about my lack of follow-through one day. A day like this, as a matter of fact. At the time, I was probably “documenting the journey” or something. Maybe it was for a planned triumphal memoir. Hah. But I always knew, on some level, that I would have a day like today and realize I have a problem.

What kind of problem? 

It’s a lack of belief. I don’t believe - as in really, truly know, deep down in that gut-place that anything I do matters. More than that, I have this dark, brooding suspicion that even attempting to get, do, or be anything other than what fate delivers is somehow wrong. Maybe it’s even an arrogant lack of gratitude for what God has given me.

“Be content,” childless, unmarried men of God living in monasteries say…

Yeah, even I can see there are some issues there.

This “foundational faithlessness” is utterly demoralizing, toxic, and destructive. I think it comes from a place of fear. Looking back on the last few decades or so, I can see that at the root of all my doubt, insecurity, arrogance, hesitancy, procrastination and cynicism was one, underlying, malady: cowardice. 

Hoo boy, that was a an uncomfortable revelation. “You mean…I might be the problem…?”

So anyway, that’s what I’m going to be working on next year: conquering fear through planned, consistent action directed toward specific ends. And if God or fate or the collapse of society has other plans, so be it. Courage is doing the scary things despite the fear, not just not feeling afraid. It’s a daily choice. Minute-by-minute decisions to do the necessary things no matter how uncomfortable.

Some of you are no doubt wondering what I’m talking about - you freaks of nature who write out big goals, break them down into logical parts, create strategies, tactics, to-dos, and then schedule them. And then - get this - you actually do them. Psychopaths. All of you.

My wife is one of you psychopaths. She actually slays at planning and execution, which has been the source of no small amount of spiciness in our marriage. She’ll lay out what needs to be done months, even years, in advance, and then she follows through with it. She doesn’t do so well with the inevitable chaotic variables that come out of nowhere, but at the very least she is able to close the loop of planning and execution. I’ve moved past grudgingly admiring it to secretively emulating it.

Anyway, what’s up for next year? Three big things come to mind:

1. Solve the income problem.

2. Rebuild the marriage. 

3. Reconnect with my kids.

Compared to a lot of friends’ situations, I’m beyond blessed and fortunate. There’s just a lot of room for improvement. Chasms to fill.

Re: Income, it’s not enough for basic needs right now, but I have a job with immense opportunity.

Re: Marriage, my wife and I are actually on the same page about most things, and we’re both committed to reconnecting with, through and by the grace of God. I know many couples who aren’t.

Re: Kids, I actually have a great relationship with them. I’m constantly barraged by hugs, loves, and wrestles. But I want to do and be more for each of them, individually, one-on-one.

All of it requires certain actions. That’s the easy part. Earn more through promotions at work and hustles on the side. Spend more quality time with loved ones. Et cetera. But for me, at least, it’s going to take some fundamental shifts in my thinking and discipline. Here’s my list of essential principles for 2023 and beyond:

• Believe

• Plan less, do more - consistently

• Eliminate distractions

• Keep it simple

• Speed is better than perfection

• Bonus: keep a clean workspace

If all goes well, we’ll be hiking, worry-free, in Zion by summertime. (I swear I just heard Morgan Freeman narrating just now… “But they didn’t go hiking, worry-free…”) 

For me, it’s terrifying to make goals. If you don’t have goals, you aren’t disappointed when you fail, right? When you put it out there, you’re practically inviting Resistance or demons or what-have-you to puree your most secret, desperate longings. Who would willingly do that?

But I think I can conclude my research on that: failing to plan is, indeed, planning to fail. So, here we go. Let’s see what we can do in 2023.

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